Paris Hilton gets pranked by Richard Branson

The billionaire founder of Virgin, Richard Branson, threw a Mad Hatter-themed birthday party for his son on Saturday and invited Paris Hilton to attend. According to the Daily Mail she agreed and wanted to dress as Alice in Wonderland so she'd be the center of attention, but when Branson found out he secretly ordered all 60 of his waitresses to dress as Alice, even pushing the prank further by deliberately mistaking her for one of the staff and asking her to get him a drink.

The bash was attended by the U.K.'s A-list, with such guests as Princes William and Harry, Kate Moss, and Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. "It was one hell of a party," a source told the Mirror. "Paris found herself looking more like Tweedledum as she was surrounded by dozens of other Alices." But perhaps the prank's on Branson. Hilton's rep tells The Scoop that "to the best of my knowledge" the heiress wasn't even at the party.
Somebody definitely got X Punk'd here, I just can't figure out who. Either Paris Hilton for the obvious, or Richard Branson for pretending to not recognize the wrong person. Considering one is the hugely successful founder of Virgin Records and the other cries when she can't get into fancy clubs, I'm just going to assume it's Paris and continue laughing sophisticatedly as I sip this delicious martini. And by delicious martini I mean my used cereal milk.

NOTE: Richard Branson, if you're reading this please adopt me. I'm well behaved and I may or may not carry the secret to eternal life with me




Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were invited to an exclusive dinner hosted by Mario Testino to honor French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld among others, but failed to RSVP and were sent away when they arrived at the door.

"There weren't places for them because they hadn't RSVPed," says one guest. "They were refused entry at the door!" Brandon Davis and Mischa Barton were also denied their unauthorized plus-ones.
It's been a pretty embarrassing couple of weeks for celebrities lately. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton make up about 98% of the embarrassment, but even people you haven't thought about for years are getting the shaft. What kind of world do we live in where doing a perpetual Zoolander impression can't save you from the shame of rejection? It's like I can't believe in anything anymore.




The National Enquirer and Us Weekly are reporting that Britney Spears gave birth to a baby boy just before 2AM at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center today. Although the fact that it appears in The National Enquirer should automatically make it untrue. They could print an article about George Washington being the first American President and then somehow days later new evidence would reveal it was really just some guy named Cletus.




Simon Cowell - the mean guy on American Idol - had to borrow cash from his driver/bodyguard after his American Express Black card wouldn't work while he was trying to buy some toothpaste and shampoo at a Miami Beach drugstore Monday.

A witness reports the Brit became annoyed, as did the line of shoppers behind him. Cowell, embarrassed but determined, dashed out to his waiting driver/bodyguard and returned with a wad of cash. A rep for Cowell confirmed the machine was unable to read his card, but denied Cowell made a scene: "The only productions Simon puts on are on TV."
The real question here is why Simon Cowell is using an American Express Centurion Card to buy something as trivial as shampoo. You wanna know why the card wouldn't work? Because it spits on anything worth less than $10,000. I was walking down the street once and a Centurion Card showed up and pushed me down the stairs because my watch wasn't expensive enough. True story.




I don't know when it happened (actually I know exactly when it happened) but somewhere along the line Lindsay Lohan decided to just completely give up on underwear. This shot was taken outside of London's Kabaret club, and once again features Lindsay Lohan and her totally NSFW vagina. There was so much controversy over her first attempt to offend my eyes she thought she'd give it another go. Only this time she's not leaving any doubt as to its authenticity. If you're easily offended by beat-up looking vaginas, Because this one looks like it went ten rounds with a boxing kangaroo.




A rep for Whitney Houston has confirmed that she filed for divorce from Bobby Brown last Friday. I'd congratulate her on the smart move, but the decision took her 14 years longer than it should have. Taking your hand out of a toaster is smart. Waiting three days to do it not so much. Although considering this I guess we should just be thankful she doesn't spend her nights crawling down the street offering to sell her house for crack money.




There's been report after report surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son and each one seems to change the story slightly. The death has officially been declared "suspicious" and authorities say criminal charges could be filed, as there was a third person in the room during Daniel Smith's death and they're just waiting for a toxicology report before they act on anything. However, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer has stated that the third person in the room was her other lawyer, Howard K. Stern. Additionally, the lawyer says that Anna tried to revive her son and had to be sedated so they could take her away, causing memory loss of the whole event.

"The devastation and grief over Daniel's sudden death coupled with the sedation has been so extreme that Anna Nicole experienced memory loss of the event," attorney Michael Scott said. He said Anna Nicole Smith and Stern continued efforts to revive Smith even after he had been proclaimed dead by staff at Doctors Hospital in Nassau. "Anna Nicole was so distraught at the loss of Daniel that she refused to leave his side and it was necessary to sedate her in order to check her out of the hospital," Scott read from a prepared statement. He said she suffered memory loss and that it "was necessary for Howard to tell Anna again that Daniel had passed away," he added.
I'm not sure but I think the police are implying that Anna Nicole's lawyer had something to do with the death and her other lawyer is saying he didn't. I wanted to hold off posting anything until official findings came out but the whole thing is just so bizarre. And the fact that it's Anna Nicole Smith amplifies the bizarro-meter ten fold. By tomorrow there'll probably be reports that there was a suspicious looking dog with shifty eyes hiding in the closet watching the whole thing.




Just one more reason why Jessica Biel makes a better girlfriend than you. That and her love of baking pies in kitchens.




Duane "Dog" Chapman and two of his co-stars on Dog the Bounty Hunter were arrested yesterday in Hawaii on charges of illegal detention and conspiracy in the capture of the Max Factor heir three years ago. Dog and his crew had gone to Mexico to grab the guy on rape charges, but were arrested themselves when they refused to hand him over to Mexican authorities. They posted bail but never returned for their court hearing. It was the case that blew Dog to fame and led to his reality show, and now he's been arrested and faces an extradition hearing to Mexico for it.

Chapman, son Leland Chapman and associate Timothy Chapman were taken into custody and did not resist arrest, said Mark Hanohano, U.S. Marshal for the district of Hawaii. "It went down without incident," Hanohano said. Chapman, shackled at his ankles and wearing a blue muscle T-shirt at his first court appearance Thursday, said the government was jealous of his success in hunting down criminals. "You see what the American government is doing to us? They throw us in jail," Chapman said in a federal courtroom. "I'm so upset about this."
I'm not a police officer but it seems to me that if a guy helps you put a rapist away you probably shouldn't reward him by having him arrested. Give him a medal or buy him a cup of soup, but don't throw him in jail. That's just poor manners.




Considering her rock hard understanding of canned tuna, it's pretty clear Jessica Simpson has never shopped for groceries in her entire life. And yet here she is at Ralphs fishing for attention by pretending to. She must be some sort of magician because I see her go in with a shopping cart but I don't see her come out with one. Or groceries for that matter. As if pretending to actually buy groceries was too much trouble so she just wandered around aimlessly asking people if they knew who she was, occasionally stopping to pick up a melon, squeeze it, and say "Yup, that's a good one." And then an employee would come over and ask her to please stop squeezing all the boxes of Animal Crackers.




Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly named their newborn son Sutton Pierce Federline, though they've yet to confirm the naming or even the fact that they've given birth. Coincidentally (or maybe on purpose but that would be really sad) Sutton Pierce now shares the same initials as his older brother, Sean Preston Federline. Which is fun for like three hours, but then it's gonna suck when they need to buy matching embroidered handkerchiefs. "And why would they need embroidered handkerchiefs?" you might ask. Well how else are they supposed to look snooty as they blow their noses or surrender to the opposing army with a makeshift white flag? Huh, smartass? Next time think before you ask stupid questions.



A second autopsy was performed Sunday on Anna Nicole Smith's son but the results were inconclusive. The examiner ruled out several potential natural causes including heart disease, stroke, or a "congenital anomaly," but also affirmed that it didn't look like there was any foul play involved.

"I don't find anything that would cause me to believe there is something in terms of some traumatic injury that was inflicted, or somebody having done something to him in some cryptic manner that could not be observed," Wecht told reporters outside the morgue where he performed the procedure.
They might as well have sent a talking duck to solve the case, because we've got an entire investigative force, multiple witnesses, a ton of doctors, and we still know absolutely nothing more about her son's death than we did the day it happened. At least if there was a talking duck at some point the sarge would ask him what progress he's made and he'd shoot back, "How should I know? I'm a freaking duck!" And then we could all have a nice chuckle and forget what a horrible insolvable case this is


Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock finally have sex

More than a month after getting married, Pamela Anderson has announced on her official website that she and Kid Rock have slept together, saying:

"Not pregnant yet. But we have consummated the marriage!"
Which is sort of like a shark saying: "I have a lot of teeth and I bite things." Pamela could've made the same statement during the reception and it still would've been accurate. The only way these two didn't have sex before, during, and after the wedding is if Kid Rock's penis fell off. And even then I'd just assume he used the stub. Or scar tissue. Whatever, I'm not a doctor.


Joe Simpson likes to photograph his daughters

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's dad, Joe Simpson, has reportedly become a paparazzi to make some side cash and to influence how his daughters are portrayed in the media.

According to sources who've had recent dealings with him, Simpson has a tight working arrangement with WireImage, the mega-agency and wire service that rules the red-carpet at nearly every high-profile event in the western hemisphere. On several occasions, a camera-wielding Simpson has gone toe-to-toe with other snappers for shots of his own daughters, then approved only his own images for distribution through WireImage. At other times, he has provided the agency with exclusive (and even racy) shots of his daughters on family getaways or in other putatively private moments.
Needless to say, other photographers aren't happy. One recalled being invited to cover an event sponsored by Jessica's record label, Epic, only to find her shots blocked again and again by Joe and his Nikon. "I thought it was really odd that he was always in my way, since I was the one who was paid to be there shooting," she says. Though the freelancer did manage to get some clean shots, Joe's were the only ones WireImage deemed worthy of being distributed.


So basically Joe Simpson has gone from talking about his daughters' breasts to photographing them with a camera. If he keeps this up he'll be a shoe in to sweep at this year's World's Creepiest Dads Awards. He would've had it last year but then there was that one guy with the basement and the penguin, and really, he just deserved to win.


Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake almost murdered

Cameron Diaz has filed a police report against a photographer charging him with assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly trying to hit her and Justin Timberlake with his car. The LAPD says:

"On Sept. 19, just after midnight, Cameron Diaz filed a report with the LAPD. The incident happened on the 1600 block of King Road in Hollywood. Diaz and Justin Timberlake were leaving a friend's home when a photographer hiding in the bushes tried to take a photograph of her. They both then chased the photographer for a short distance. The photographer then got into his car and drove toward both (of) them, causing Diaz to jump out of the car's way. She felt the driver was trying to hit both of them, and so she filed the report. She's alleging assault with a deadly weapon, with a vehicle. No arrests were made. We currently have no suspects, and the investigation is ongoing."
X17, the photo agency the photographer was working for, has posted this statement on their website detailing their side of the story:

To the best of our knowledge, the pictures and video of Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz early morning on Tuesday, September 19 were taken on a public street where there was no "Private Drive" or "Private Property" sign visible. What the photographer knows he saw and what the pictures show, were at least two people verbally and physically assaulting him. Reports stating that Ms. Diaz has told police that the photographer tried to run her over with his car are completely false. The photographer was attempting to leave what he perceived to be a dangerous situation for him and when he tried to do so, Ms. Diaz and at least one other member of her entourage stood in front of his car in an attempt to entrap him. He drove around them at what he perceived to be a safe distance, as at least five members of Ms. Diaz and Mr. Timberlake's group were yelling at him, making threats against him. The photographer is currently in the process of filing a complaint against Ms. Diaz and Mr. Timberlake.


Michael Jackson goes out of his mind Lucky Charms style

According to Ireland's Daily Mirror, Michael Jackson has been looking into buying an estate on the Emerald Isle, and is supposedly interested in opening up a - wait for it - leprechaun-inspired theme park.

"Michael is deadly serious about this idea," a source told Ireland's Daily Mirror. "He loves the whole idea of leprechauns and the magic and myths of Ireland. It would cost around 500 million Euros [about $635 million] to do. He's always wanted to open his own theme park and he thinks Ireland is the perfect place and it will all be built around the leprechaun theme." The cash-strapped singer reportedly is meeting with businessmen to raise money for the park. There are regular sightings of the reclusive singer in Ireland, and one newspaper there has set up a Wacko Watch Hotline for readers to phone in sightings.
Because if America won't accept your insane ideas why not just ship 'em over to Ireland? There they at least drink enough the idea might work. And here? Well here we just make gross generalizations about other cultures.


Beyonce Knowles has multiple personality disorder

Beyonce Knowles tells Blender that she created an alter ego named Sasha who she turns into whenever she's feeling doubtful about herself. She says:

"When I feel uncomfortable about something, I tell myself, 'I'm Sasha, I'm a diva, I'm fierce, I can do it.' And then I can. Sometimes when Beyonce slips through, I'm like 'Hold up, come back!' Sasha protects me. It's a good way to keep sane."
Yes, creating imaginary characters in your head is definitely the best way to keep sane. I've got this dude named Clifford in my head. He tells me to cut people. Without him I don't know what I'd do. Maybe lead a normal life of not cutting people? Fuck that. Clifford knows what's up. He's got my back and that's why he's my bestest friend in all the world.


Paris Hilton admits her stupidity

Paris Hilton was questioned by the LAPD during the investigation into the home-invasion robbery of Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis (in which he was tied up, had his pants pulled down, was taunted by a dildo, and forced to admit on tape that he enjoyed gay sex) and in the audio tape admits she's not very bright:

"Like I really ... I don't remember. I'm not like that smart," Hilton said in police audio tapes set to air on "Dateline NBC" on Saturday night. LAPD Detective Steve Koman and Deputy DA Hoon Chun were asking Hilton to remember what she told Francis at a party shortly after the "Girls" mastermind was victimized on Jan. 24, 2004. Francis passed on Paris' information to cops, who eventually busted Darnell Riley. But when investigators pressed Hilton to recall her talk with Francis, she didn't remember much, The Post's David K. Li reports. "I like forget stuff all the time," she said.
Hilton also told the cops about "private tapes" that were stolen from her home and that a mysterious caller wanted money for them.

"They ... wanted money. They were tryin' to sell it to like a newspaper or something," said Hilton, who balked at paying - and chalked it up to advice from dear old Dad. "So if you pay somebody, then you're gonna be paying for the rest of your life," Hilton said. "My dad always taught me. They'll keep the tape anyway."
There's too much going on here. Joe Francis admitting he's gay and almost getting sodomized. Paris Hilton admitting she's mentally handicapped. Maybe if I throw in these pictures of her pumping gas your brain will explode from an overdose of pleasure. And then, my friends, my mission in life will be complete. For I am Exploderhead: the exploder of heads.


Anna Nicole Smith's son gets death certificate
Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer announced yesterday that authorities issued a death certificate for her son Wednesday but left the cause of death as "pending chemical analysis." The certificate lets Anna Nicole bury her son, although pathologists won't receive the test results until two weeks.

"It is not unusual in instances where the cause of death cannot be determined to issue a death certificate," Gomez told The Associated Press. "This is not a matter of special treatment being given in this particular case."


Steven Tyler has hepatitis C

Steven Tyler says he was diagnosed with hepatitis C three years ago and has been secretly battling it, telling Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell that after a year of treatments, "It is nonexistent in my bloodstream ... where it's like a complete cure."

So now Steven Tyler has joined Pamela Anderson on the list of people I never ever want to share a needle with. Not because they both have hepatitis, but because I hear ugly might be contagious and I'm not taking any chances.